Getting to know Mark Wilson Redux

So you’re probably wondering why you should care about Mark Wilson?

Mark Wilson cares about you. He loves babies, chasing fat kids, throwing tridents, pickling beets, making ceramic chickens, and stockpiling his own blood. Isn’t this type of candidate you want in office?

Mark Wilson is a hockey mom. He lives for that kind of homespun crap. He’ll punch you in the face if you say anything bad about the kids on the ice. He’ll also spit on the referee for calling too many hooking penalties. That’s Mark Wilson.

Mark Wilson was born on a farm outside of Poughkeepsie, New York. He was born there because his parents thought it was the kind of place you could raise a family. His early years were spent living in a log cabin with dirt floors. He didn’t have shoes growing up.

Eventually, his family was driven out of town by an angry mob. There was an incident involving a scythe and what some called a Satanic donkey sacrifice. Mark refuses to discuss the incident and simply states that this matter was taken out of context.

Despite the hardships of his early life, Mark Wilson left his family at the age of 11 to strike out on his own. Moving to a small community in southern Ontario, he took up pineapple farming. The locals called him crazy, he paid no attention. Instead he opted to walk down the streets at midnight naked and singing Judas Priest songs.

When the police tried to arrest him, he defended himself in court with nothing more than a switchblade and the knowledge of the streets. He soon took up cooking crystal meth in the basement of the local courthouse when his pineapple farm was seized by those bastards at the bank. Bank officials have claimed that there was never a pineapple farm. It was simply a plot of land with cans of Del Monte pineapple rings stuck in the ground.

Mark Wilson is currently serving time in a State penitentiary for trafficking moth balls to school children and hoping to be released for good behaviour. He has learned how to make toilet wine and enjoys the fine bouquet of a fresh batch.

His favourite films include: Going Ape!, Hard Rock Zombies, Turkish Star Wars, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, and Soccer Dog: The Movie.

His heroes are Elayne Boosler, Curtis Armstrong, that guy who played Balki on Perfect Strangers, and that chick who played the robot on Small Wonder. He despises that rat bastard Yakov Smirnoff for stealing his schtick. In Soviet Russia, joke tells you!

Mark Wilson is currently reviewing applications for mail order brides.